And just when I thought that yesterday was almost done and over with, you came in with your swagger and disarming smile.

It kinda cheered me up a bit with all the small talk, and sometimes personal conversations.

It was terribly unnerving because I realized I was rambling all the freaking way.

And today was neutralized out in a way even though I really should be harboring more unhappiness.

looks like it has come to the ending that i have always dreaded.

it could have ended on a better note though. but looking at how dismal and bleak things were, it couldnt have been a lot better.

i believe you may blame me for everything, maybe not.

i know for sure that you wouldnt understand the humiliation of giving it up, or of standing by in the shadows continuously. the problem was, i let you have your way WAY too often. I accepted whatever you threw at me or whatever reason or explanation. My problem was I couldnt trust you or maybe i just dont trust people easily. maybe it's a problem with me, not you.

so many maybes, but what for?

i will no longer remain delusional.

I keep typing and typing but I just end up canceling everything and not hitting send.

I'm trying my damndest to not care, but still you're the only thing that crosses my mind ever so frequently.

I know, to you I'm this whiny irritating insensitive bitch who cares only about her own feelings. Not about yours. If only you held my hand or waited for me while I went through it, or maybe not said "I don't know" after I asked you the question, which eventually led to me deciding to go ahead with it.

Mrs sus recently had a miscarriage, and I feel like such a terrible human being. There are innocent babies and desperate amazing people out there who deserve their happiness, much more than I do. But why is it that I'm just about the only insane person who chose to take that one shred of hope away from myself?

I question myself every single night. No matter how much I try to stuff my

tummy with food, I still feel a gnawing hollow feeling. A small part was taken away that day, which can never be returned.

I wonder what's on your mind, what you are doing, whether you think of me like how I'm thinking of you. Are you?

Maybe it's called paying a price, but does anyone deserve such a heavy debt?

I think I'm much more bitchy now after my MVA. Not depressed or anything, just angsty and pissed and obviously bitchy and cranky.

You try going through a fucking MVA see you become cranky or not.

So now it's just me and my ob-gyn who know about it. And obviously my hundred bucks dose of General anesthesia is like an epidural in the room.

You have selective replies. I have selective words. I really wanna know what is my limit to all this.

and I would never wish an MVA upon anyone, not even my worst enemy.

I'm terrified. It's not as though it hasn't hit me yet, but realizing how extremely serious the consequences of my decision would be made me think twice. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to feel obliged. I didn't want to use it as a form of ransom. I didn't want it to be another 'doing things just so you will change your mind' kind of thing. Why does everything seem so oblivious to you? Fine I kept it from you yes I did. But what would the diff be? It's not something that you want so I can't force it upon you. Neither do I want you to be obligated.

I went through this for the past month or so, hoping you would see the signs without me stating the obvious.

I dunno whether it's the right choice.

If I should regretfully sacrifice one life to successfully save another.

All i can think about is my MVA on sat. and i wonder what is really on your mind.
Apparently that means NOTHING to you. $800.

I always thought that love in a relationship would get you through anything. but obviously not through this.

terribly disappointing.

I try to act normal, be normal like everyone else when I know that this thing that I do will change my life forever. It only changes mine. Nobody else's. The guilt will stick forever. But I would rather that than to have you detest me for forcing this upon you. I can't do that. I wish I was more conniving or bitchy or hard hearted. It would be so much easier that way..